A Christmas Letter

Dear Santa,

I'll get right to the point. This year for Christmas, I would like a BB Gun. Or an assault rifle, whichever is easier for you. No license necessary. Sure, that probably seems like an odd request coming from a relatively sane mom of 2 (and a half) and I assure you that I don't intend to harm anyone, honest. What I do intend on, however, is to rid my house and my life of squirrels. You see Santa, I despise squirrels. Hate them to the very core and really, the only other thing I feel that harshly about is spiders, but you probably already know that. Since we've lived here, we've had them living in our house, on more than one occasion. Nasty, dirty squirrels.

And when they aren't reeking havoc in my house, they are creating chaos around it. They chew through siding, through screens and mostly, through trashcans. All of that I have dealt with, rather patiently I might add, until the recent and unfortunate maggot incident. I guess replacing my outdoor trashcans with newer, better (read: more expensive) ones proved to be too much a challenge for the little rats, and now, in defiance, they have started to pee on them. Yes Santa, the trashcans I touch on a daily basis are marked with squirrel urine. Gross, I know! So you see, as much as the cayenne pepper will hold them off, it won't do for long. I need something more painful, more permanent. I'm sad that it must come to this, really I am. I used to like squirrels. In fact, my sorority mascot is a squirrel and if word of this gets out, I will be banished for life so lets keep this on the down low, shall we?

Thanks, in advance, for your understanding and not forwarding this to PETA.

Your friend,
-a